I hate you
I hate you
I need to upgrade to Snow Leopard to then get into Lion, to then play the god damned game I have been waiting for over one motherflippin’ year. More like - since I finished Diablo 2.
BLARGH!
Sorry guys - I am so sorry. I am obviously alive.
My parents went to Copnehagen to see me for 2 months, since my cuts got worse and the meds weren’t doing anything. There was a pretty good chance of me killing myself already. They were sure that if they didn’t go rescue me the chance of seeing me again were zilch.
Now I have been taken back home for a month so my shrink can see me. I am unhealthy as well since i am 17 kilos overweight and they are looking into what’s up with that too.
Things got pretty bad in all aspects, but i am thankful for the people that stick around. No matter what. Ppl that are still by my side and have made me realize how much i have been missing these past few months. How much better things are and how much ppl love me and care and love me even more.
4 am with me and my bleeding forearms knocking at their door.
1 am with a random phone call
Miami Horror - Sometimes
(Source: youtube.com)
So my mother came to see me, she has been coming since September last year and now because of my cutting and the amount of meds I am in they decided to come. It had to get this bad for them to realize, that BPD is not just another stupid acronym. I have been wanting to be out of this reality for years.
With her she brought food I missed, herself, her worry and of course more meds the shrink sent me.
Anti-psychotic, now I am in true cocktail. We have setraline, valproic acid and now our dear risperidone.
I haven’t been cutting as of recently, but gosh I am really holding myself. You know why? Because if i keep doing it, my parents will pack me up and ship me back home. I don’t want that, honestly I haven’t gone through all this to be flown back. This girl is not getting back on that fucking jet plane.
I got good friends , a job in a re known organization that pays well all in a great safe city. I cannot do it. I have to find ways to canalize that anger, that hate into something graspable.
I need to get out of this because right now my mum has been here for less than a week and i am already going mental. I know she loves and would give the world for me, but I cannot cope with someone that doesn’t have a routine in this country or someone that is not used to be alone.
Breathe in, breathe out.
That happened two nights ago. I feel on the edge, my mother comes tonight to stay with me for 2 full months, I cannot cope with the idea.
Not only that but the fact that this could have been my last ‘free’ weekend in CPH. My contract is over by the ends of April.
Anonymous asked: where do you get the blades that you use?
Get off anon. TBH it is not a hard question to answer.
Friday I was taken to a place with dirty parkas, dragging feet and inner screams. There I was told I was to be kept for a few days under supervision. My razors got sharper my cuts got worse.
My whole life seems to be crumbling down and as I see the rubble I think there is a a better way out- than to pile it it up again.
Let’s bulldozer the whole deal away, something in my head whispers.
My dosage is going up again -
250mg Valcote with 50 mg Zoloft morning
500mg Valcote at night
I sent him an email and he called me back, he is worried and told me meds won’t to do all the job (I know that). In all honesty right now I am trying really hard not to get into the shower with my blade and bleed to death. It is just so easy.
